The Project of Me

Today, Overdose Awareness Day, is somewhat of a sobering day for me as I read stories associated with #endoverdose and #overdoseawareness. Many of these stories are about addicts who overdosed and died or were injured because of it. But on April 6, 2019, my husband overdosed and medically died but lived. He didn’t live because I discovered him, had Narcan at the ready, and called emergency services. In fact, at the time, I was unaware of how serious his problem really was. I would have been totally unprepared to handle an overdose had it occurred in our home. I can say with almost complete certainty that if he had overdosed at home, he would not have lived. By the grace of God, we were already in the hospital for some scheduled testing for me that week. That’s pretty much the best place to be for something as awful as an overdose to happen. He had been acting strange that week- dosing off easily, acting highly irritable, unable to sit still, sweating a lot, breathing heavily. Bu

“He’s safe and sober now, no need to worry. It’s time to work on you now.” But when I turned to find myself, It seemed she’d packed and left town. When had I lost her? When did she leave? And why didn’t I even notice? Had I lost someone so vital to me, Living in ignorant bliss? “Take care of yourself. Work on self-care.” But where was “I” so I could start? Was there anything left of me without him? All I had were pieces of a broken heart. So where would I start the search for myself? Do I just pick up a hobby or two? I need something more that leads me to truth, Reminds me of who I am in you. So, not just for me, but to glorify you, I’ll take up the pen and write. Slicing through darkness, confusion, untruth, This pen is my sword for the fight. I don’t know where I lost myself, In busyness? In him? I wish I knew. But the first step to rediscovering her, Is knowing she can only be found in you. When my husband relapsed and then went to rehab, I heard ov

It’s time to go ahead and leave now, You showed up uninvited anyhow. This damage that you’ve done, Is humanly impossible to overcome. So see yourself out the door, Not putting up with your toxicity anymore. You came in and tore us apart, Handed me a bleeding, broken heart. Shattered my life until it was dust, Beat me down, no hope, no trust. But you will trample on me no more! I’m stronger than I was before! The Potter is turning that dust to clay, I’m growing in faith day by day. And rather than sitting in brokenness, He’s helping me trust in his faithfulness. So see, you’ve made a big mistake, ‘Cause my husband was not yours to take. He’s covered by a Kingdom identity, ‘Cause Jesus died and set the captives free. We are children of the one true King, Sheltered by his mighty wing. In God’s hands, I have nothing to fear, So addiction, it’s time to get out of here. I wrote this at the start of working through some of th

“God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, he’s so good to me.” I paused as the rest of the congregation sang strongly along with the worship team to the familiar chorus. At this moment in my life, I wasn’t sure if I could honestly sing those words. Sure I knew that God was good, but right then I wasn’t really feeling his goodness in my life. “He’s so good to me…” That stuck out to me in particular. It couldn’t just be about that, could it? It couldn’t just be about how God had been good to me in life. I quickly thought back through God’s moments of faithfulness in my life so far. There were many moments I could remember where God had done great things for me. Even still, if God’s goodness only came down to the things he had done for me, his goodness seemed to fall short. Wow… what a statement… but that’s where my broken heart was at that Sunday morning. Even though there were definite highlights of God’s faithfulness in my life, they seemed to be overshadowed by the c