The Project of Me

Every year I see people choosing a "Word of the Year." The idea is to pick a theme for the year, identifying a general area of personal growth instead of a specific goal or resolution. In general, this can be a helpful practice. It's certainly more beneficial than setting resolutions that are impossible to follow through with. But there are two major problems I see with picking a word of the year.  First, they are usually cute and comfortable words. Common ones are "love," "joy," "compassion," "hope," etc. No one picks words that are uncomfortable but ultimately helpful like: "humility," "refinement," "confession," "blood, sweat, and tears," etc. You get my point.  Second, picking a thematic word of the year is problematic if you believe you're in control of setting the course of the year. In my experience, when I have picked a theme for the year, even if it ends up being appli...

I spoke about gratitude in recovery to the patients in our residential program yesterday morning. I shared my story about the darkest moments in aftermath of my husband’s overdose. My marriage was in shambles. I was heavily in debt, working an unfulfilling job, living in my parent's basement, and paying a mortgage on a house 5 states away. I tried to get that house to sell for over a year, entering in and out of contracts about 7 times. I replaced the roof to help it sell. Two months later, I finally entered into a contract that seemed like it would finally stick. But before the sale finalized, a tree fell on the roof I had just replaced... I spoke on the importance of maintaining a posture of gratitude and joy in hard times. During this time, gratitude was NOT happy smiles and laughter. Instead, it was a CHOICE to rejoice in the Lord even when I did not feel like it. That often happened with tears in my eyes and hands open wide. As I spoke, I was reminded to be gratefu...

The past two years of my life have been hard, but the past 6 months of my life have been especially hard. I'm in a season of life where I feel as if God is mercilessly piling hardships on me. I’ve been doing a lot of figurative stomping my feet and angry fist-shaking at Heaven. Part of the reason I’ve taken up hiking is that it gives me quiet, peaceful, distraction-free time where I can be completely alone with God in nature and we can duke it out and deal with these things. Recently, I was watching “The Chosen” and learned about the "Dayenu," a song of gratitude sung during the Passover Seder. It is a Hebrew phrase meaning "it would have been enough." The idea is that even just one act of faithfulness from God is sufficient. The pattern is as such: "If God had brought us out of Egypt, but not punished the Egyptians, Dayenu". I was hiking the day after watching this episode. As I was walking through the forest, I started recalling specific moments of ...

This weekend I went on a solo-staycation (more to come on that later). I spent the day at a state park not too far from home. My family went on multiple camping trips there when I was young, so my mind was flooded with nostalgic memories when I arrived. The park seemed so much bigger and further away when I was little... funny how that works. I took a long walk and eventually found a spot to sit and put my feet in the water. I noticed some small shells in the sand by my feet and another childhood memory came to mind. I remembered swimming in the lake as a child and finding several of these same kinds of small, clam-shaped shells. I spent that day seeing how many I could find, collect, and take home with me. To my young imaginative mind, it was like finding buried treasure. They were so important to me, I believe I may still have some in a memory box. As an adult, I held that shell in my hand and the difference between then and now struck me. I almost hadn't noticed it. Even whe...

Sixteen years ago, yesterday, May 31, 2009, I had two unexpected seizures, was diagnosed with viral encephalitis (a brain infection), and admitted to Children’s Hospital for 18 days. For the next 8 years, I lived a normal life, free of seizures and side effects. I thought my story was one of miraculous healing. But in 2017, I started having seizures again and was diagnosed with epilepsy. Today, my seizures are controlled. It’s been 2 ½ years since my last one. I used to have a difficult time classifying myself as disabled because of that. But recently, I recognized that even though I don’t have seizures daily, epilepsy still affects my daily life. I have taken anti-epileptic medication daily for the past 8 years. I make sure to carry my rescue medication with me everywhere I go. I pack an extra set of underwear in my carry-on when I fly just in case I have a seizure on the plane and wet myself (it happened once). I’m prepared to lose my driver’s license at any time in case of a break...

Recently, I saw a post from someone celebrating her weight loss. But there was something very unique about her post- there was no "before" picture. There were just a few pictures of her, looking happy and feeling good in her own skin. Her success wasn't measured by what she used to weigh or look like. Her success was measured by how her weight loss made her feel. A couple weeks ago I picked up my one year coin for working on food addiction. It's been a long journey with ups and downs, literal gains and losses. One day at time, I've finally been gaining traction. So I wanted to do the same thing as that girl. But as I was summoning the courage, I found myself caught up in many of the lies society tells us about weight loss and body image. "You haven't lost enough weight yet to start bragging about it." That one's almost humorous. What's the magic number at which it's socially acceptable to start talking publicly about your weight loss?...