My Dayenu Ebenezer

The past two years of my life have been hard, but the past 6 months of my life have been especially hard. I'm in a season of life where I feel as if God is mercilessly piling hardships on me. I’ve been doing a lot of figurative stomping my feet and angry fist-shaking at Heaven. Part of the reason I’ve taken up hiking is that it gives me quiet, peaceful, distraction-free time where I can be completely alone with God in nature and we can duke it out and deal with these things.

Recently, I was watching “The Chosen” and learned about the "Dayenu," a song of gratitude sung during the Passover Seder. It is a Hebrew phrase meaning "it would have been enough." The idea is that even just one act of faithfulness from God is sufficient. The pattern is as such: "If God had brought us out of Egypt, but not punished the Egyptians, Dayenu". I was hiking the day after watching this episode. As I was walking through the forest, I started recalling specific moments of God’s faithfulness and began reciting my own Dayenu out loud.

As I was walking, I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to make an ebenezer in the woods. An ebenezer is a stone memorial of God’s faithfulness. The word literally means "stone of help" in Hebrew. It is a reference to 1 Samuel 7:12, “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, ‘Till now the Lord has helped us’.” 

I started gathering stones as I walked. I decided each one would commemorate a specific act of faithfulness in my life thus far. As I gathered them, they started to get heavy and difficult to carry. I started to wonder if I was picking up too many. God spoke to my heart again and encouraged me, “Feel their weight.” The weight of the stones was symbolic of the value of God’s faithfulness. In every act of faithfulness, God carried a weight for me that was too heavy for me to bear.

Finally, I decided I had enough stones and it was time to find my “ebenezer spot.” I walked off the trail to get to a spot that seemed to have potential. I had to push some branches and “jagger bushes” (as we call them where I’m from) out of the way. “God, if I could not get a tick while trying to obey you, that’d be great!” I felt led toward a sturdy tree that was next to a fallen wavy tree. I decided that was a pretty good picture of my life: fallen, wavy, whacky, and unpredictable but following God’s sturdy and steadfast faithfulness.

The ultimate act of God’s faithfulness is the Gospel. Jesus’ death and the resurrection forgave me of my sins, freed me from them, and restored me to right relationship with God. There is no greater act of love and faithfulness. But this is also the one that I take most for granted and probably take the least amount of time to be grateful for. During Passover, the Israelites would have been likely to focus their Dayenu on God’s deliverance from Egypt. I focused mine on Jesus delivering me from sin. I laid a rock down as I recited each one.

My Dayenu: If you had died on the cross to forgive me of all my sin and restore my relationship with you, but…

(I started with the foundation…)

1. If I hadn’t been born into a Christian home with parents that knew you and instilled your word in me from a young age, that gave me the foundation of knowing you, it would have been enough. 

2. If I hadn’t had mentors, people in my life that helped me grow closer to you along the way; if you hadn’t brought me back to you when I was questioning my faith, it would have been enough.

(Now the middle portion, more difficult to balance but imperative for a steady formation.)

3. If you hadn't healed me from my brain infection, if I had seizures every hour; if I was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life and never recovered, it would have been enough.

4. If you hadn’t led me to a Christian college where I grew in my knowledge and understanding of you and grew closer to you; if I hadn’t met my husband there, it would have been enough.

5. If you hadn’t provided for me financially for school when I wanted to go to Costa Rica; if I hadn’t graduated with so little debt; if you hadn’t provided for me financially so many times as you have since then, it would have been enough.

(Now I was getting to the truly hard things, the hopeless time, where God was still faithful…)

6. If you hadn’t given me your peace when I was diagnosed with epilepsy; if you hadn’t protected me during every seizure; if you hadn’t provided people to help drive me to work when I couldn’t drive, it would have been enough.

7. If you hadn’t spared my husband’s life when he overdosed; if you hadn’t subsequently led me to a lifestyle recovery that transformed the way I interact with you; if you hadn’t given me a purpose in my career, allowed me to reach people with this story, and do it alongside my husband; it would have been enough.

8. If you hadn’t given us our home when we were looking as quickly as you did, if it had taken us years to find a house or if we were homeless on the streets, it would have been enough.

The last two were the hardest. These weren’t “If you hadn’t…” statements, these were, “If you never” statements…

9. If my husband were to relapse and never get sober; if our marriage and life as we know it were destroyed; if that is the best you have for me, it will be enough.

10. If you never give me children, if natural conception, IUI, IVF, adoption... if nothing ever works out, if no one ever calls me "mom," it will be enough.

The difference between Samuel and I is that his ebenezer was created after the Israelites had just won a battle to remind them of God’s faithfulness in battles still to come. My ebenezer was set up in the middle of the battle(s) to help me persevere to the end. Samuel set up his ebenezer during a high point. I was building mine during a low point. Samuel’s was preparatory, mine was perseverant. 

I know God has been abundantly faithful to me, but it is hard to be grateful for those times compared to the weight of my present struggles. However, the Dayenu and ebenezer are faithfulness-based, not feelings-based. 

I cannot feel my way into faith, but I can remember God’s faithfulness when I do not feel it. 

The words I was saying were true even if they didn’t feel true. God’s faithfulness is true even when it doesn’t feel like it. The more I remind myself of his faithfulness in times past, especially his faithfulness through the Gospel, the more I will begin to feel it.

When I was done laying the stones and reciting my Dayenu, I stood up with tears welling up in my eyes. I prayed out loud, “God, I am angry right now. I know you have been faithful, but I don’t understand why you are allowing these things to happen. I don’t know if I really believe the words I am saying right now, but I know they are true. Help me believe it. Help me feel it.”