Proclaiming God's Faithfulness Even when you Doubt It

This is part 2, a continuation of a post I wrote in October 2025. You’ll be able to pick up from the beginning of this post. There’s enough context that you will still be able to follow along. But for the full effect, you can read part 1 here.

If you’re not up to date with what’s been happening with me lately: Long story short, surgery activated the same brain infection I had in 2009 (a one in a million or less anomaly).

1.      A couple weeks before the surgery Someone at church was praying over the church and asked that God would answer our prayers in the way that we need them to be answered not in the way that we want them to be answered Someone also shared about being told by God that he had been healed from a chronic illness. For a long time, he was healed and free from his symptoms as God told him it would be. But he shared that recently he had experienced those symptoms again for a whole week. He was frustrated and asked God why he healed him only to take the healing away? God said to him “I’m just checking that you’re still relying on me” )that was a gut punch for me…” All this happened before the surgery, but it hits me even harder now. Twice now, I believed I had been divinely healed from viral encephalitis only for it to cause epilepsy 8 years later and then return 17 years later. I also feel God saying to me, are you still relying on me for your every need? Am I enough for you?




I remember being in the hospital as a 16-year-old recovering from viral encephalitis the first time, and hearing God asking me “do you trust me?” I didn't have an answer for him. I have one today but it’s not one I want to give God because I know it’s not the answer he desires from me, My answer is “Does halfway? work for you?” God has been teaching me how to how to trust him fully these past 17 years. Just like the work I am doing in PT and OT, trust is a muscle that must be built. I am learning to trust God and accept when he answers my prayers in the way I need even if it's not the way I want. You build a muscle by exercising it. You can't just say you want to trust God more without doing something to build muscle.

“Patrick wrote this in one of our last CaringBridge posts and I feel like I need to include it here: “Faith has not meant pretending that we weren't afraid or that this wasn't difficult. It has meant continuing to trust God in the middle of those things, one day - and sometimes one hour - at a time.”


I was hiking in the same location last October when I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to make an ebenezer in the woods. An ebenezer is generally used to refer to  a stone of memorial of God’s faithfulness. so it took me a while to find since the summer foliage had grown over it. It was no surprise to me that the weather had knocked it over. Thankfully, I had put a marker on my GPS that enabled me to find it later on. Still it was quite a search. I ended up moving the rocks in the same formation but in the safety of the base of a tree I figured the tree would be easier to find and keep it from falling. Are you allowed to move ebenezers ???? I don't know but that's what I did! I am sure God will understand. 😉

2.      On August 10, the Sunday before the surgery, I decided to go for one last hike for the season and went back to visit the Ebenezer I had built last fall to remember God’s faithfulness. It is much more difficult to write this in these days following the surgery and everything that followed.

3.      Last year, I partnered the building of my ebenezer with a dayenu.During my hike in October 2025, I had recently  learned about the "Dayenu," a song of gratitude sung during the Passover Seder. It is a Hebrew phrase meaning "it would have been enough." It is the idea is that even just one act of faithfulness from God is sufficient. The pattern is as such: "If God had brought us out of Egypt, but not punished the Egyptians, Dayenu". As I was walking through the forest last October, I started recalling specific moments of God’s faithfulnessin  my life and began reciting my own Dayenu out loud. I think a phrase in modern Christianity phrase that is more relatable is something like God, you are enough for me. There's a popular Christian song right now that says something like “if you never did another thing for me, still you’re all I’ll ever need.” I must admit, that line has always been hard for me to sing. “If this is the best God has for me, Am I truly satisfied with it because I have Jesus’ sacrificial love for me alone? If I’m honest, I’m working on it but right now but I don’t think I can honestly sing that line. I sing it anyway because I want it to be true so I sing it as a proclamation of where I know God will one day get me.

In my writing, I don’t ever wanto to seem to have it altogether or to have this perfect faith or trust in Jesus. I have my doubts and arguments with God all the time where I don’t say the right “faithful, “trusting” things.” Writing posts is often my way of processing whatever I am going through. But writing it down is a lot easier than doing it.







Originally written 10/12, revised 8/10


My Dayenu: because you died on the cross to forgive me of all my sin and restore my relationship with you, but done nothing else for me you are more than enough for me…

Original Dayenu Written October 12, 2025

The only one revised when I revisited the ebenezer in August 2026 was #14. All the other ones, 1-13, were written in October 2025, about a year prior to the surgery.

4.     
2. If you hadn't healed me from my brain infection in 2009, if today I had seizures every hour; if I was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life and never recovered, it would have been enough. 4. If you hadn’t led me to a God-fearing husband it would have been enough.
5. If you hadn’t provided for me financially in unexpected ways for a mission trip and for school, for cars, time and time again in ways that blew my mind, it would have been enough.
6. If you hadn’t given me your peace when I was diagnosed with epilepsy; if you hadn’t protected me during every seizure; if you hadn’t provided for every need afterward, it would have been enough, it would have been enough, you are more than enough for me. about the phrase dayenu was the song of gratitude sung during the Passover seder meaning: “it would have been enough” I think a modern Christianity phrase that is more relatable is something like God, you are enough for me
7. If you hadn’t spared Patrick’s life when he overdosed; if you hadn’t subsequently led me to a lifestyle recovery that transformed the way I interact with you; if you hadn’t given me a purpose in my career, allowed me to reach people with this story, and do it alongside my husband; it would have been enough.
8. If you hadn’t given us our home, if it had taken us years to find a house or if we were homeless on the streets, it would have been enough. You are enough for me.
9. If my husband never got sober if, if our marriage had been destroyed, if I had to go it alone. it would be enough. You are enough for me.
1013. Since I had to rebuild the ebenezer anyway, I reread my dayenu from October as I laid each stone again and remembered God’ faithfulness thus far as I reread each one.
If you never give me children, if natural conception, IUI, IVF, adoption... if nothing ever works out, if no one ever calls me "mom," it will be enough, you are enough for me.
14. (And then I laid a new stone. This was my “brain stone.” This was stone was for the neurosurgery scheduled for the following Thursday. “Lord, I surrender my mind and my brain to God. “If the surgery doesn't go as planned if there are complications, if things go wrong or don’t work, if I am still epileptic the rest of the rest of my life if the pain is more than I can bear”, Go, you are enough for me.

Original Ebenezer on October 12, 2025

I know God has been abundantly faithful to me, but it is hard to be grateful for those times compared to the weight of my present struggles. However, the Dayenu and ebenezer are faithfulness-based, not feelings-based. I cannot feel my way into faith, but I can remember God’s faithfulness when I do not feel it.

The words I was saying were true even if they didn’t feel true. God’s faithfulness is true even when it doesn’t feel like it. The more I remind myself of his faithfulness in times past, especially his faithfulness through the Gospel, the more I will begin to feel it.

When I was done laying the stones and reciting my Dayenu, I stood up with tears welling up in my eyes. I prayed out loud, “God, I am angry right now. I know you have been faithful, but I don’t understand why you are allowing these things to happen. I don’t know if I really believe the words I am saying right now, but I know they are true. Help me believe it. Help me feel it.”

Rebuilt August 10, 2026

Worship songs to pair with this post

Promises (feat. Joe L Barnes & Naomi Raine) | Maverick City Music | TRIBL

We sang this song in church that morning. "those lyrics like great is your faithfulness actually it made me more angry than they were a comfort, and I'm not even sure I sang along with the congregation but if I did sing along with the congregation it's because you have to sometimes sing these things over and over to believe them the more I sing great is your faithfulness and you will never let me down the more I start to believe it"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5m09rqOoxE