Embrace the Awkwardness

I had finally gotten up the courage to bite the bullet and make it to an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon, for those of you who may not know, is a Twelve Steps based support group for family members and friends of alcoholics and addicts. I had been avoiding going for weeks… months actually. The idea of placing myself in a room full of strangers and openly talking about the trauma I’d suffered at the hands of my husband was an awkwardness I’d rather resist… plus I really didn’t like crying in front of people. But, I’d had multiple people tell me how great Al-Anon had been for them and had been strongly encouraged to find some sort of group several times.

So it was time! I was now ready to take this important step towards healing. I would brave the very thing I’d been avoiding! I was ready to open up and talk about it in front of strangers! I would even endure crying in front of people if I had to! I would enter boldly into this new experience… along with my friend, Taylor, from church. She’d done it before and offered to go with me... That was the real reason I was finally going. (Don’t judge me! I know I’m a big chicken!)

I spent most of the day feeling a little nervous for the meeting that night. I pulled into the parking lot of the church where the meeting was just in time to receive a text from Taylor telling me that her husband hadn’t got home yet with their only car. It was ten minutes until the meeting started. I sat in the car a moment and braced myself, wondering if God was stretching me and was going to make me do this on my own. Seven minutes before the meeting, Taylor texted again and said, “He just got home! I’ll be there in 13 minutes!” I responded, “Okay! I’ll wait for you!” After all I would rather be a little late walking in than go in by myself! (Yes I know, insert mocking “Bok Bok” noises here.)

Taylor finally arrived. We walked into an open door that we had both seen as we’d pulled in. At this point we were walking in about 5-10 minutes late so everyone looked at us as we walked in the door and sat down in the back of the room.

That’s when lady leading the meeting asked if anyone had any significant amount of time sober.

“Is this AA?” I whispered to Taylor.

“Do you think so?” she whispered back.

 The first guy begins to share, “Hello my name is _____, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Taylor and I look at each other with wide eyes. “This is AA!” Taylor whispers.

She whispers to the guy sitting next to her and asks him if he knows where Al-Anon meets. He didn’t know. “Do you want to stay?” she asked me.

“I don’t know,” I whispered back.

“I don’t know either!” she said.

After we heard one or two more people share she whispered back to me, “Let’s stay.” I nodded in agreement. We had already walked in late and it felt rude to walk out in the middle of a meeting.

They started moving around the table sharing, using the standard greeting and responses. I started internally panicking when I realized they were going around in a circle sharing and it wasn’t just open to whichever random person wanted to share next. What was I supposed to say when it got to me!? Were we even supposed to be there? Would they be offended to find out that we weren’t addicts? I heard one person say, “Hello my name is _______, I’m an alcoholic. I’m just listening tonight. Thanks.” That was okay to do? I began seriously considering just saying, “Hi I’m Lindsey, I’m an alcoholic, I’m just listening tonight. Thanks.” But I knew I couldn’t do that… stupid moral compass.

We were sitting in rows of chairs, not around the table. So I had hoped the flow would hit Taylor first and she would know what to say. But instead, halfway through the tables, the leader said, “Let’s jump to the back!” And I could tell the flow was going to hit me first instead! No! No! No!

I was still trying to figure out what I was going to do and say when one of the three guys in the row in front of me passed. The other was sharing when Taylor whispered to me, “Do you want me to say something?”

“Phew!” I thought. I gave her a great big, wide eyed, nod.

It came to my turn and Taylor spoke up loudly for the both of us. “Hi I’m Taylor and this is Lindsey. We are not alcoholics… we thought this was Al-Anon. We didn’t want to be disrespectful and leave.” Everyone in the room laughed.

Phew! I thought again. They’re not offended!

“But I can still share how I stay sober, if that’s alright,” Taylor said, “Since I’m on the other side of all this. I mean… you guys ruined my life!” Taylor is pretty, blond, outgoing, and radiates confidence, so she can say something that bold and it comes off adorably funny rather than offensive. I was so glad I was with her!

She went on to share a little bit about how everything she had gone through had forced her to learn more about her identity and who her life was rooted in. While everyone else there spoke about their higher power or maybe even “god”, she boldly proclaimed that her life was planted on Jesus Christ. She shared that even if the circumstances of her life didn’t turn out okay, she knew she would be because of that. In the end, though it was a terribly awkward yet humorous experience, it was good to see how an AA meeting works. And I have to wonder if God led us there for a reason, not only for our benefit, but perhaps because someone needed to hear what Taylor so boldly shared.

This experience brought to mind a phrase that my “Computers and their Applications” professor in my freshman year of college loved, “Embrace the awkwardness.” While I can’t remember exactly, I believe he explained that life will always be awkward so it’s better to embrace the awkward moments rather than to fight them.

I believe God loves to let his glory shine through awkwardness. After all, he works through awkward moments and awkward people all the time.

God used Moses: a man who was adopted by the Egyptian princess when she found him floating in a basket down the Nile River but was still raised by his Hebrew mother, a man who murdered someone, and who couldn’t speak well. That’s awkward. But God met with him face to face and used him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt to the Promised Land and to give his people God’s Law.

God used Hannah: a barren woman who shared her husband with another woman and was assumed to be drunk in the temple because she was praying so passionately. That’s awkward. But God used her to give birth to the prophet, Samuel, a very significant leader for the Israelites.

God used Mary: a virgin who got pregnant out of wedlock. A woman who had to give birth in a stable surrounded by animals and put her baby in a feeding trough because there was no room for them in the inn. That’s definitely awkward. But God used her to give birth to the Son of God, to deliver into the world God in the flesh.

God used Saul: a man whose life ambition was to murder Christians, who got stopped on the road to Damascus on his way to kill more of them by a shining light out of which he heard the voice of Jesus speak to him, but was blinded after. That’s awkward. But God used Saul, who became Paul, to become one of the greatest evangelists of all time and to write nearly half of the New Testament.

And God can use me: a woman who lives in her parent’s basement while her husband goes through rehab, who’s too chicken to walk into her first Al-Anon meeting all by herself, and who’s not even completely sure who she really is right now. But God…

I’m not sure what the next part of the story is for me, but I know that God will use all this awkwardness for his glory. God is stretching me and teaching me. I haven’t completely learned how to embrace the awkwardness yet. Most days, I still resist it or even try to avoid it completely. But I know that God has a purpose for this season, as awkward and hard as it has been. I trust that he is using this awkwardness to strengthen me and grow me in ways I never imagined possible. And I know that if God used these and so many other amazing people from the Bible despite, and even because of, their awkward situations, he will do the same for me. So I will keep trying to embrace the awkwardness.