Out of Control, Into Peace

As I sit in quarantine at home, I feel at peace- not because the world is at peace or even because my personal world is at peace- but because the past year has taught me how to be okay with feeling out of control. A year ago today, long before anyone suspected the world would turn upside down, my world turned upside down. Around midnight on April 7, 2019, my husband overdosed on the bathroom floor of my hospital room and was medically dead for about seven minutes. Had we not already been in a hospital, he wouldn’t be alive today. Prior to that night, I’d been in denial, believing his addiction wasn’t that bad and he just needed a little help. The events of that night made me realize how out of control things really were. That night led to a series of events that put me in a position where I couldn’t even pretend to be in control anymore.

Losing the illusion of control helped me see that I never had any in the first place. But God was and is and forever will be in control. I don’t always understand why he does and allows what he does- but that’s why he is the one in control, not me. And if I truly believe that he is in complete control, then I don’t have to understand but I do have to trust him. When I got comfortable with not having control, I found that I had an overwhelming sense of peace. It became easier not to worry because I knew I had no control over anything anyway. Time and time again, the Bible tells us “be anxious for nothing” or to “cast our burdens onto Jesus.” But for some reason many of us trudge through life wearing worries and burdens that God never intended for us to carry alone. There is overwhelming peace that comes when we finally trust God with the control that has always belonged to him and rest knowing that he will take care of us.

Like my husband’s overdose did for me personally, this virus has taken away comforts that once gave us a sense of security and control. I don’t know what you have gone through as a result of this virus. I don’t know what hard times may lay ahead of us. But I know that God is faithful. I know that he promises to use all things for the good of those who love him. And I know he is still in control. He was still in control when they crucified Jesus and he was in control when he rose again on the third day. He was in control when my husband overdosed on a bathroom floor and he was in control seven minutes later when they revived him. He was in control long before this virus started, he’s been in control all through it, and he’ll be in control long after it too. Get comfortable with not being in control and you will find peace.

Philippians 4:4-7 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”