When People Say Stupid Things

My husband and I have been walking the journey of infertility for nearly two years now (a drop in the bucket compared to some couples). I’ve been hesitant to write about it because people tend to respond by saying innocent, yet stupid, things. Talking about it puts a target on my back for those well-meaning, but ultimately hurtful, comments.

But recently I thought, maybe I SHOULD write about it precisely BECAUSE people say stupid things. Most of those comments are a combination of good intention and ignorance (lack of awareness). We need people who are bold enough to share their stories. Doing so breaks stigma, raises awareness, and shows others they are not alone. Maybe I can be one of those people.

I thought I’d start by shedding light on some of those comments that seem helpful but are actually hurtful.

What NOT to Say

Playful Questioning: “When are you finally going to start a family?” While it may be intended as a playful question, it can be extremely hurtful. It’s also not your business. Maybe they just don’t want to. Maybe they are biologically, emotionally, or financially unable to. Maybe they have children in Heaven. When they’re ready to start a family, you’ll know. This question perpetuates the stigma that for a family to be “whole” they must have biological children.

Misplaced Optimism: “You’re next!” Similarly, “I’m sure it’ll happen eventually.” What if we’re not next and what if it doesn’t ever happen? While these are well-meant, optimistic sentiments, the reality is that some couples never have biological children. That’s really hard to accept but it doesn’t mean their family is incomplete.

Superstitious Well-Wishing: “Good things happen in threes!” or “There’s something in the water!” Comments like these are really quite silly and unnecessary. They often make light of a very serious and painful struggle.

Suggestion Making: “Have you ever thought about…?” “Have you ever tried…?” Or, “I did XYZ and that helped me get pregnant.” A couple that is truly struggling with infertility has likely already seen several specialists, done a lot of expensive testing, and had an overwhelming number of options presented to them. They have likely already tried anything you might suggest. If you really feel like your suggestion is worth sharing, ask permission before sharing it.

Complaining about your own kids: “There are times I WISH I didn’t have any kids! You can borrow mine anytime!” This one is pretty obvious. Even though you don't mean it that way, complaining about the behavior of the children you do have to someone that is unable to have their own feels like you're rubbing it in.

So, what should you say?

Nothing. Often, the best (and hardest!) thing to say is nothing at all. Supporting someone with your presence and silence alone is uncomfortable. When we see someone in pain, our instinct is to try to fix it. But you cannot fix infertility. Your presence alone can be a huge comfort to a friend in pain.

If you DO say something…

Affirm, Don’t Pity. Instead of something like: “I’m so sorry! How terrible for you, you poor thing!” Just affirm their pain, “That sounds really difficult.”

If you can’t relate, don’t try to. Instead of, “I know how you feel because…” try, “I haven't experienced that but if you ever want to talk, I’m here to listen.”

Pray… and then actually pray! Don’t say, “I’ll pray for you” because it seems like the right thing to say. And don’t use prayer as a disguise for gossip, “Keep Lindsey in your prayers, they’re having trouble conceiving…” If you say you’re going to pray, do it! Even if it’s just one whispered sentence in the moment! Don’t say you will pray if you have no intention of doing so.

 

Of course, it’s impossible to always know the right thing to say to a friend in pain. We all say stupid things sometimes! If you think you’ve said something insensitive, it never hurts to go back to your friend and ask. Doing so shows you want to be sensitive and supportive. 

At the end of the day, the one struggling with infertility (or any other pain) must learn to take everything with a grain of salt and be gracious with people that just don't know what to say. We must learn to see the intention behind the ignorance.