The Project of Me

This is part 2, a continuation of a post I wrote in October 2025. You’ll be able to pick up from the beginning of this post. There’s enough context that you will still be able to follow along. But for the full effect, you can read part 1 here . If you’re not up to date with what’s been happening with me lately: Long story short, surgery activated the same brain infection I had in 2009 (a one in a million or less anomaly). 1.       A couple weeks before the surgery Someone at church was praying over the church and asked that God would answer our prayers in the way that we need them to be answered not in the way that we want them to be answered Someone also shared about being told by God that he had been healed from a chronic illness. For a long time, he was healed and free from his symptoms as God told him it would be. But he shared that recently he had experienced those symptoms again for a whole week. He was frustrated and asked God why he healed him only ...

God volunteered Job. It wasn't that Satan had already targeted Job and God allowed it to happen. Satan came looking for someone to accuse and God suggested Job. Why do bad things happen to "good" people. The Bible tells us that no one is truly good. But Job was presented as blameless and upright ( Job 1:1 ). The same word used to describe Job is used to describe the animals offered as sacrifices. So you could say Job's lived his life as a pleasing sacrifice unto the Lord. That's about as close to being a "good person" as you can get. When Satan came before God, he was looking for a follower of God's he could attack and make God look bad.   And God said, " What about Job? " Satan challenges God, saying the only reason Job follows God is all the wealth God had blessed him with. "Take it all away and I bet Job will curse you to your face!" Satan wanted to prove that people only follow God when it benefits them ( Job 1:6-12 ). H...

" If God worked in ways that we could understand, then he wouldn't be an awesome God." -17 year old me May 31, 2009 was the start of a lifetime of learning to trust God with what I cannot control. I had my first ever seizures in the church bathroom on a Sunday morning, was diagnosed with viral encephalitis, and spent 18 days in Children's Hospital. I lived 8 years with no seizures and no complications. But in 2017, I started having seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy. Today, my seizures are mostly controlled by medication with my last "big" seizure being 3.5 years ago. But epilepsy still forces me to daily trust God with my health and wellbeing. When I read through the posts written by young me on this day throughout the years, there's a part of me that wants to say to that younger version of myself, "Just wait... you have NO idea what's coming." But I think adult me needs to listen to young me instead. Jesus tells us to have childlik...

It's been a rough week. I've been feeling frustrated with the people around me. As a highly-organized, detail-oriented, perfectionist, sometimes I hold other people to the same unfair expectations I hold myself to. But other times, people would rather underfunction and let me overfunction to get the job done. I know the obvious solution here is to "set boundaries" but determining the line between a job well done and overfunctioning/enabling others is not always that easy. I've been feeling unappreciated for all the hard work I put into making sure things run as they should lately. I've noticed this frustration building even to the point of feeling so much anger that I can feel it in my whole body. Today, on Good Friday, Philippians 2:5-11 came to mind. Though Jesus was God, he humbled himself, counted himself as nothing, even to the point of death on the cross. Verse 5 tells us to have the same mindset in our relationships with others. I don't think that ...

Every year I see people choosing a "Word of the Year." The idea is to pick a theme for the year, identifying a general area of personal growth instead of a specific goal or resolution. In general, this can be a helpful practice. It's certainly more beneficial than setting resolutions that are impossible to follow through with. But there are two major problems I see with picking a word of the year.  First, they are usually cute and comfortable words. Common ones are "love," "joy," "compassion," "hope," etc. No one picks words that are uncomfortable but ultimately helpful like: "humility," "refinement," "confession," "blood, sweat, and tears," etc. You get my point.  Second, picking a thematic word of the year is problematic if you believe you're in control of setting the course of the year. In my experience, when I have picked a theme for the year, even if it ends up being appli...

I spoke about gratitude in recovery to the patients in our residential program yesterday morning. I shared my story about the darkest moments in aftermath of my husband’s overdose. My marriage was in shambles. I was heavily in debt, working an unfulfilling job, living in my parent's basement, and paying a mortgage on a house 5 states away. I tried to get that house to sell for over a year, entering in and out of contracts about 7 times. I replaced the roof to help it sell. Two months later, I finally entered into a contract that seemed like it would finally stick. But before the sale finalized, a tree fell on the roof I had just replaced... I spoke on the importance of maintaining a posture of gratitude and joy in hard times. During this time, gratitude was NOT happy smiles and laughter. Instead, it was a CHOICE to rejoice in the Lord even when I did not feel like it. That often happened with tears in my eyes and hands open wide. As I spoke, I was reminded to be gratefu...

The past two years of my life have been hard, but the past 6 months of my life have been especially hard. I'm in a season of life where I feel as if God is mercilessly piling hardships on me. I’ve been doing a lot of figurative stomping my feet and angry fist-shaking at Heaven. Part of the reason I’ve taken up hiking is that it gives me quiet, peaceful, distraction-free time where I can be completely alone with God in nature and we can duke it out and deal with these things. Recently, I was watching “The Chosen” and learned about the "Dayenu," a song of gratitude sung during the Passover Seder. It is a Hebrew phrase meaning "it would have been enough." The idea is that even just one act of faithfulness from God is sufficient. The pattern is as such: "If God had brought us out of Egypt, but not punished the Egyptians, Dayenu". I was hiking the day after watching this episode. As I was walking through the forest, I started recalling specific moments of ...

This weekend I went on a solo-staycation (more to come on that later). I spent the day at a state park not too far from home. My family went on multiple camping trips there when I was young, so my mind was flooded with nostalgic memories when I arrived. The park seemed so much bigger and further away when I was little... funny how that works. I took a long walk and eventually found a spot to sit and put my feet in the water. I noticed some small shells in the sand by my feet and another childhood memory came to mind. I remembered swimming in the lake as a child and finding several of these same kinds of small, clam-shaped shells. I spent that day seeing how many I could find, collect, and take home with me. To my young imaginative mind, it was like finding buried treasure. They were so important to me, I believe I may still have some in a memory box. As an adult, I held that shell in my hand and the difference between then and now struck me. I almost hadn't noticed it. Even whe...

Sixteen years ago, yesterday, May 31, 2009, I had two unexpected seizures, was diagnosed with viral encephalitis (a brain infection), and admitted to Children’s Hospital for 18 days. For the next 8 years, I lived a normal life, free of seizures and side effects. I thought my story was one of miraculous healing. But in 2017, I started having seizures again and was diagnosed with epilepsy. Today, my seizures are controlled. It’s been 2 ½ years since my last one. I used to have a difficult time classifying myself as disabled because of that. But recently, I recognized that even though I don’t have seizures daily, epilepsy still affects my daily life. I have taken anti-epileptic medication daily for the past 8 years. I make sure to carry my rescue medication with me everywhere I go. I pack an extra set of underwear in my carry-on when I fly just in case I have a seizure on the plane and wet myself (it happened once). I’m prepared to lose my driver’s license at any time in case of a break...

Recently, I saw a post from someone celebrating her weight loss. But there was something very unique about her post- there was no "before" picture. There were just a few pictures of her, looking happy and feeling good in her own skin. Her success wasn't measured by what she used to weigh or look like. Her success was measured by how her weight loss made her feel. A couple weeks ago I picked up my one year coin for working on food addiction. It's been a long journey with ups and downs, literal gains and losses. One day at time, I've finally been gaining traction. So I wanted to do the same thing as that girl. But as I was summoning the courage, I found myself caught up in many of the lies society tells us about weight loss and body image. "You haven't lost enough weight yet to start bragging about it." That one's almost humorous. What's the magic number at which it's socially acceptable to start talking publicly about your weight loss?...

I brought some store-bought mini cupcakes into work for a baby shower we were holding for a coworker that day. I've been walking this journey of infertility for about two years now (really more like I've been begrudgingly stomping my feet). I knew it was going to be hard. But I felt like I could slap a smile on and power through. I even came up with an exit strategy just in case.  In the hour leading up to the shower, I felt my heart filling with anxiety. It had already been a stressful work day. I didn't have much emotional energy left to put towards this shower. I tried to delay going in, still deciding if I was going to participate. Then I started to hear coworkers ask, "Where's Lindsey?" And several started texting me as well. The anxiety got the best of me. Instead of going to the shower, I found a quiet place to hide and started to cry. I felt embarrassed for not going. I felt like everyone would be disappointed with me for not being there. I...

My husband and I have been walking the journey of infertility for nearly two years now (a drop in the bucket compared to some couples). I’ve been hesitant to write about it because people tend to respond by saying innocent, yet  stupid, things. Talking about it puts a target on my back for those well-meaning, but ultimately hurtful, comments. But recently I thought, maybe I SHOULD write about it precisely BECAUSE people say stupid things. Most of those comments are a combination of good intention and ignorance (lack of awareness). We need people who are bold enough to share their stories. Doing so breaks stigma, raises awareness, and shows others they are not alone. Maybe I can be one of those people. I thought I’d start by shedding light on some of those comments that seem helpful but are actually hurtful. What NOT to Say Playful Questioning: “When are you finally going to start a family?”  While it may be intended as a playful question, it can be extremely hurtful. I...

How do we reason with God when he is being unreasonable?  I have great plans for my life. I don't ask for much. I don't need a fancy house or car. I don't need a six figure salary. Just give me the basic American dream- husband, 2 kids, and the house with the white picket fence ( plus a couple dogs ). Nothing too extravagant or unreasonable.  I don't know why God decides my plan isn't good enough. But lately, time and time again, God hasn't been meeting my very reasonable requests. I have a hard time understanding why God has to be so unreasonable!  Surely I'm not the only one. Has this ever happened to you? What we do when God is being unreasonable? Here's what I think... First, explain the logic to God . Let's give God the benefit of the doubt. Maybe God just doesn't understand. If I logically explain why it makes sense for me to have it my way, surely he'll realize he was wrong and change his mind. "God, if I get this prom...

"It's the most wonderful time of the year..." except when it's not. And when it's not, it usually feels like the worst time of the year. What do we do when Christmas comes around and our halls aren't decked with holly, the sleigh bells aren't ringing, and there are no chestnuts roasting on the open fire? In a time that celebrates the hope, peace, love, and joy that Christ brought into the world- what do we do when don’t see or feel any of those things in our lives?  While Philippians 4:4-9 isn't considered a "Christmas" passage, we find all four of those advent themes in it. "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your [gentleness] be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus ...

"Joseph’s fruitfulness, or success, came from putting his faith into action. He trusted God to do the divine part, then invested himself fully to do his human part. Joseph didn’t try to manipulate the pieces of his life that were out of his control. He entrusted those to God. Note what Joseph didn’t do: try to escape slavery or prison; despair and forfeit his identity and integrity; resent and hate the ungrateful cupbearer; or develop a victim mentality. Knowing what circumstances were out of his control, Joseph handed them over to God and focused on his responsibilities." - Life Journey Devotional, Cloud & Townsend This hit me hard this week. I have been in the hospital in the epilepsy monitoring unit for the past week. During my time here, the goal is try to trigger seizures or other small spells while connected to an EEG so that the doctors can get more information about them. However, for someone that has fairly controlled seizures like myself, it's hard to trigge...

I recently shared my testimony on my church's "Coffee With" podcast and invite you to  listen here. Read my testimony below or listen to it at the YouTube link below.  (Though it's on YouTube, it is an audio version only.)   My name is Lindsey. I’m a believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with food addiction, sexual immorality, and codependency. I will be talking a lot about codependency and it took me a long time to accept that I struggle with codependency mostly because I was confused about what it really was so I want to take a moment to define it. In short, codependency is when your need for approval or validation allows you to be controlled or manipulated or causes you to control and manipulate others. Another helpful way of thinking about it that I’ve heard is, “Normal behavior just taken too far.” Some common characteristics of codependency are people pleasing, perfectionism, over-functioning to be valued or loved, controlling others, or tolerating mistreatme...